The Panhedonist Grows Up

The next day Dr. Edward's office calls and I know as soon as I see the number come up on the phone that it's bad news because they only call after lab tests if it's bad news so I am not surprised when they tell me that they've called to tell me that I've had a positive test result but it's only very slightly positive for the cold sore virus.  Isn't that herpes, I ask, and they say it is but it's the cold sore kind, not the genital herpes kind, and that I could have gotten it anywhere, even just kissing my grandmother.  They say it makes me slightly more likely to get cold sores in the future which is a bummer but so much better than anything else they tell me that I can't complain. When should I get retested, I ask the nurse, and then I tell her the last time I had unprotected sex with Keith and she checks with the doctor and tells me to come back in 3 months. Cold sores I can live with.  Please please let there be nothing else.

A few nights later I go to Ben's house.  I'm conflicted about going because I know if I go we will want to have sex and I haven't figured out if I'm just going to say no or if I'm going to also tell him that I don't want to have sex with him because I am afraid that I will give him a sexually transmitted disease.  Ben's door is unlocked so I go straight up to his bedroom.  He's totally naked and totally happy to see me.  We kiss and then I sit on his bed and he crouches down next to me and we talk and then I lay down and he runs his hands over my stomach and we keep talking and he asks what I want to do and I say that I just want to lie next to him and I scoot over and lies down next to me.  We are still talking and he is still touching me but I don't touch him back.  I know he knows there is something on my mind but I can't bring myself to say it until I turn away from him and then turn again so that I am on my stomach.  I did a really stupid th...

Can we go out to dinner instead of just having sex, I ask Keith.  He says that would be okay but when the day of our date rolls around, he says he has a headache and cancels.  I wonder if it's because he doesn't want to take me to dinner, or if he has another date, but I don't say anything.  I really want to see you, I say on the phone a few days later and I feel like I am begging for it, but we can't meet at my house because Stevie is there and we can't meet at his house because his daughter will be home. We could get an airbnb, I say, but he says that will be weird and I explain that I can make it so it won't be weird but it will cost us $100 and I suggest we split the cost, and point out that it would cost less for each of us than dinner and a movie and he says maybe and then he finds out that his daughter will be working late the following week and we make plans for me to leave work early and go to his house.  But that afternoon he cancels, saying that his d...